


liberosis

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [16]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Baby Five, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, POV Alternating, POV Klaus Hargreeves, POV Number Five | The Boy, Platonic Cuddling, Power Dynamics, Uncle Klaus Hargreeves, Young Number Five | The Boy, but in a platonic way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29703063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: “I love you so much that, without you, I’ll collapse in on myself like a dying star.”Five squinted at him.“I’ll become a black hole,” Klaus continued. “And I’ll mindlessly destroy anything that comes near me.”“Don’t be dramatic,” Five said.___________________Or, Klaus and Five care about each other.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Five is a problem solver [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 38
Kudos: 95





	1. Secretly loves me

_Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke._

_― Joss Whedon_

It was a very rude awakening. 

Klaus fell out of bed and stared up into the charming, yet decidedly angry, face of his youngest brother and realized: 

_The little bugger pushed me off the bed._

"Ooooow," Klaus said. "Just… ouch. My bones have been _bruised."_

"Get up," Five said. 

Blanket still tangled around his legs, Klaus reached down to pointedly pull it up over his head.

Five tried to pull the blanket off, but Klaus had a tight hold. 

"Just get _up,"_ Five growled. 

"I politely refuse," Klaus said.

"It's daytime," Five insisted. "You have to get up when it's time to get up." 

"Who died and made _you_ the sleep police?" 

"I'm serious," Five said. "This is unacceptable behavior, Number Four." 

"Wooow," Klaus said. "Just… I am speechless. I am without words." 

"The day _you're_ without words," Five said. "is the day _I'm_ without brains." 

Klaus giggled. 

"You're already awake," Five said. "So get up." 

"Nooo," Klaus said. "Nope, nope, nope." 

"Why not?" 

"Becaaause," Klaus said. "there's still a chance I can get back under." 

"Under?" 

"Yeah," Klaus said. "Under the sandman's gentle bosom." 

"What?" Five said. "The sandman wouldn't have a bosom." 

"Why wouldn't he?" 

"He's a _man."_ Five finally snatched the blanket away, the little monster. 

"Oh my sweet summer child," Klaus said. "There exist in the world men with bosoms. One day, you will understand this." 

"Okay, first of all," Five said. "We were born in autumn. Secondly, you're wrong."

For some reason, this was the funniest thing Klaus had heard in months. He laughed his ass off. 

Which, of course, offended Five. 

But a kick to the shoulder from a snooty thirteen year old in suspenders was _not_ the cure to the giggles Five seemed to hope it would be. 

Instead, it added fuel to the fire and Klaus laughed so hard he nearly suffocated.

"Are you high?"

 _"Hey,"_ Klaus gasped. "I resent that accusation, sir." 

"Do you?" Five said. "I found your stupid stash, so if anyone should be resenting anyone it's _me."_

That finally did the trick. The laughter petered out. 

Klaus cleared his throat. "Okay, but in my defense… my therapist says weed is fine in moderation? As long as I don't-" 

"Then why are you sleeping all day?" 

"Huh?" 

"It's 12 o'clock!" Five said. "It's daytime." 

"Uh, yes," Klaus said. "But I was out until, like, 4 a.m. Don't you think I deserve my beauty sleep?" 

"If you got home earlier," Five said. "You could wake up earlier." 

"Nah," Klaus said. "I'm a vampire." 

"That's stupid!" 

"Tough." 

"Listen," Five said. "You're freaking Ben out." 

"Oh?" Klaus said. "This is news to me." 

"So stop it," Five said. "Start acting normal."

"How about no?" Klaus said. "If Ben has a problem, he should talk to me himself." 

"He doesn't like confrontation," Five said. "Everyone knows that." 

"Trust me," Klaus said. "He'll grow into the most confrontational bastard you ever met." 

"Ugh," Five said. "Why do you have to be so childish?" 

"Hmm," Klaus said. "Maybe 'cause I'm an adult? So I get to be as childish as I damn well please."

"Fuck you," Five said. 

"Oh _my,"_ Klaus said. "Please don't. That's incestuous."

Five wrinkled his adorable little nose. "Why are you so gross all the time?"

"Why are you so stuffy all the time?" 

"Why are you so _braindead?"_

"Why are you so _bitter?"_

"Well, why are you so… so…" Five looked just about ready to explode with frustration. 

Klaus finally sat up. "C'mon, little buddy. Let me have it." 

"Why are you so _depressed?"_ Five shouted.

Klaus blinked. 

"Everything is better now," Five said. "Isn't it? Dad is gone, gay marriage is legal, um… you can wear whatever clothes you want?" 

Klaus stared at him. 

"Isn't it good?" Five said. "You don't make any sense. You should be happy." 

_Shit,_ Klaus thought. _I need a couple years to process that._

"Klaus?" 

Klaus swallowed. "Um… I do not have an answer for you." 

"Why not?" 

"Because free will is an illusion?" Klaus said. "And, um… the world is ugly?" 

_Plus, Old Five went the way of the dodo bird,_ Klaus thought. _And the new Old Five hates me, so he must have secretly hated me all along._

"Forget it," Five said. "This is pointless." 

Five vanished and the blanket he'd been holding fluttered sadly to the ground.

"Love you too," Klaus murmured.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Vanya's apartment was the new favorite hang out spot. It was like a little oasis, away from the sadness and chaos that often boiled under the surface at the academy.

Also, Vanya was a great audience.

"Then she said 'I've always wanted a threesome with two dudes!' as if I was somehow offering?" 

Vanya was on the edge of her seat. "And then what did you say?"

"I said 'Námbre, your boyfriend is as straight as Barack Obama is black, so I'm not touching that man with a ten foot pole!" 

Klaus mimed delicately poking at the aforementioned straight man. "Cause, you know, I value my life?" 

"More Spanish?" Vanya said. _"Námbre'_ is Spanish, right? What does it mean?" 

"I got it from Jesús," Klaus said. "He says it's like 'nah bitch' and 'I'm so sure' rolled into one sassy little word." 

"Which one is Jesús again?" 

"He's the fuck buddy with the lesbian roommates," Klaus said. "The three of them have that four year old." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "Are they, um, a throuple?" 

"No, he just supplied the seedling," Klaus said. "Like, he's fond of the tyke, but he's not her dad. He's her uncle." 

"Right," Vanya said. "But… yeah, like, what's with all the threesomes these days? People keep bringing them up." 

"It's the bisexual stigma," Klaus said.

"There's a stigma? Here in 2020?" Vanya frowned thoughtfully. "I thought all that stuff was gone now." 

"Oh honey," Klaus said. "You have been _sheltered."_

Vanya shifted uncomfortably. "I never acted on my attraction to women before Sissy. I would just assume every woman I met was straight?" 

"That's so sad," Klaus said. "I'll find you a super tiny violin so you can play a sad song about your repressed sexuality."

Vanya rolled her eyes. "I'm not repressed anymore, Klaus." 

"Righto," Klaus said. "A sad song on your regular violin, then?" 

Vanya straightened up like a bloodhound and looked towards the front door a solid three seconds before the doorbell actually rang. 

"Wow," Klaus said. "You really do have super hearing." 

Vanya sighed. "It's Five." 

"How do you know?" 

"His spatial jumps," Vanya said. "They make a distinctive sound." 

The doorbell rang again. 

Vanya stood up and straightened out her back like a warrior princess preparing for battle. 

"Uh," Klaus said. "You want _me_ to get the door? You can hide in the bathroom."

"No, no," Vanya said. "Um, I'm just not looking forward to the boundaries talk." 

Klaus smirked. "My, my, my. I sure picked a good day to come over." 

Insistent knocking on the door now, then Five shouted, "I can hear voices! I know you're home, Vanya!" 

"Please," Vanya whispered. _"Please,_ don't antagonize him." 

"Are you having a date?" Five called. "Should I come back tomorrow?" 

Klaus laughed. 

"Just a second!" Vanya called back. 

Then she urgently whispered. "Maybe _you_ should hide in the bathroom?" 

"No way," Klaus said. "I gotta see the boundaries talk." 

Vanya groaned. 

"It's Klaus, isn't it?" Five said. "Dammit, can I just blink inside? Why are you making me wait?" 

Sighing warily, Vanya hurried towards the door. 

Klaus followed and gave Five a cheerful wave once the door was finally opened. 

"See?" Five said. "I followed the rules. I stayed outside." 

"Thank you," Vanya said. "But, um, I have a new stipulation for you." 

"You guys are so stiff," Klaus said. "Is this a friendship or a business deal?"

"Shut up, Klaus," Five said. "What stipulation?" 

"You have to call ahead," Vanya said. "And we have to agree on a date and time. You can't decide you want to see me on your own and then just turn up out of the blue like this." 

Five squinted at her. "That what Klaus did?" 

"Yeah, dude," Klaus said. "I'm a scholar and a gentleman." 

"He always lets me know," Vanya said. "So… do you think you can do it? I still love you, but-" 

"I get it," Five said. "Consider it done." 

"Really?" 

Five crossed his arms together. _"Yes."_

"Thank you," Vanya said. "Sorry." 

Five sighed. "Then I guess I'll be going." 

"Aaaaw," Klaus said. "But you just got here." 

"Please don't go," Vanya said. "I just, I needed to let you know. For future reference. But that doesn't mean I want you to leave." 

Five pursed his lips. 

"Please stay?" Vanya said. "Pretty please?"

"Fine," Five said. "I'll stay." 

"Hell yeah," Klaus said. "Let's get this party _started."_

Five and Vanya both stared at him. 

They were basically the least fun pair of siblings in the family, but Klaus decided that was okay. He'd be fun enough on his own to make up for it.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"And that's how I found out 9/11 never happened," Klaus said. "Crazy, huh?"

"But the twin towers are still gone," Vanya said. "They're… they _are_ gone, right? I think I would have noticed if they'd re-appeared." 

"In this timeline," Five said. "they were never built in the first place. That's why they're still gone."

"Oh shit," Klaus said. "That makes so much sense!" 

"Wait," Vanya said. "Did 9/11 not happen because the towers weren't built? Or was there still a plane hijacking?" 

"The planes were still hijacked," Five said. "Remember how there were two of them? One landed in a field in D.C. That didn't change, but the other plane overshot New York." 

Klaus grinned and pointed at Five. "What he said. Look at our little boy genius, spitting facts." 

Klaus tried to ruffle Five's hair, but Five saw it coming and teleported a bit to the left to dodge. 

"But how did it end up overshooting New York?" Vanya said. "Where did it land?" 

"It landed in the harbor," Five said. "As for how, I can only guess. Maybe the Commission interfered directly, but it could have been a butterfly effect."

"What a world we live in!" Klaus said. "All our tragedies getting solved for us."

"It was still a tragedy," Five said. "Since some of the passengers died. But it was small scale, so it was quickly forgotten. Though the irritation of airport security theater was still put into effect."

"I see," Klaus said. "Well anyway, I wish someone had told me sooner. I fucking bombed that night." 

"You shouldn't be making 9/11 jokes in the first place," Vanya said. "It's hurtful." 

"Not anymore, it's not," Five muttered. 

"Riiiight," Klaus said. "And I'll never do it again, sis. 9/11 has been officially banned." 

Vanya nodded absently. Most of her attention was on Five, so Klaus decided the oasis had been contaminated.

"My, my," Klaus said. "Look at the time. I just remembered I have a dick appointment in ten minutes from now." 

Five huffed. "Don't be-" 

"It's my right as an American citizen," Klaus said. "to be as gross or crass or childish as I want." 

"Um," Vanya said. "Yes?" 

"But I digress," Klaus said. "I've gotta skedaddle. Don't miss me too much. We shall meet again." 

"Uh huh," Five said. "Run along, then." 

Klaus grinned. "You two have fun now, ya hear?" 

He moonwalked backwards towards the door, shooting at them with his most awkward finger guns. 

After closing it behind him, Klaus pressed his ear against the crack in the door and held his breath. 

"Klaus hates me," Five said. 

_Damn,_ Klaus said. _Right out the gate, shots fired._

"He doesn't hate you," Vanya said. "He just… you're a little mean to him?" 

"When am I mean to him?" 

"Like… always?"

 _"He's_ mean to _me,"_ Five said. "He wasn't like this in 2002." 

_Hmm,_ Klaus thought. _Maybe I don't want to hear this._

"We've changed, Five," Vanya said. "We grew up without you." 

"Like that's _my_ fault?" 

_Shots fired!_ Klaus gasped softly to himself. 

"Wait," Vanya said. "I heard something." 

_Shit!_ Klaus thought. _Super hearing!_

Not wanting to be murdered for his crimes against humanity, Klaus ran for his life.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


For most of winter, the snow seemed depressing. Watching people make snow angels, or go sledding, or- god forbid- build snowmen made Klaus want to pick up a hot poker and stab everything until it melted. 

But then one day… those feelings were just gone. 

_Mostly_ gone anyway. 

Soon the snow would be gone too, so Klaus had to do something. 

He found Five alone in the academy library. 

"Sooooo," Klaus said. "Just you and me today, huh?" 

Five didn't even look up from his book. He just grunted. 

"Cause everyone else is out," Klaus said. "Everyone else is living _life."_

Five frowned. "Mom too?" 

"Yep," Klaus said. "This place is a ghost town." 

"Go haunt the halls, then." 

"Listen," Klaus said. "How much do you love me?" 

Five finally looked up. "Not even a little bit." 

Klaus mimed being shot in the heart, complete with dramatic collapse. 

"Leave me alone," Five said. "You have lots of friends." 

Klaus scrambled back up, leaning against Five's armchair.

"But Fiiiiive," Klaus said. "I only have one of _you."_

Five did not find this as funny as Klaus did. He scowled. 

"Okay fine," Klaus said. "But it doesn't snow in California."

"So?" 

"I'm on a mission," Klaus said. "Should you choose to help me, we will achieve great things." 

"What great things?" 

"The _greatest_ thing," Klaus said. "The best thing you can achieve in the winter!" 

"Don't beat around the bush," Five grumbled. "What do you _want?"_

"This is more than a want," Klaus said. "This is the _need_ of a desperate man. This is the single most important favor I will ever ask of you." 

"But-" 

"Should you refuse me," Klaus said. "I will die. I'll never recover." 

Five tilted his head. "What's the favor?" 

"Help me build a snowman," Klaus said. 

"Wow," Five said. "You almost had me." 

"Hey now," Klaus said. "This is serious business." 

"Sure it is," Five said. 

"It's for emotional recovery," Klaus said. "And, like, catharsis?" 

Five rolled his eyes. 

"Five, I'll _die."_

"You can get someone else to-" 

"No one else is home," Klaus said. "It falls to _you."_

"Time will pass," Five said. "Someone will show up, so wait like a good boy." 

Klaus grinned. Baby Five was finally picking up the lingo. 

"I cannot!" Klaus said. "I refuse! I'll collapse in on myself with longing, I'll crumple under the weight of-"

"Will it take long?" Five said. 

"Nope!" Klaus said. "We'll do a snowman speedrun. We'll fast track this bitch." 

Five huffed. 

"Is it the cold?" Klaus said. "I noticed you never go outside." 

"I go out," Five said. "Yesterday I went to-"

"But you skipped the _outside,_ didn't you?" Klaus said. "You jumped from one indoor place to another indoor place." 

Five shifted in his seat, lifting his book in front of his face to block Klaus from looking at him. 

"Aaaaw," Klaus said. "The cold is too much for our little Five to handle? Nevermind then, I'll wait for someone with a stronger constitution." 

"Fuck off," Five said. "My constitution is just fine." 

"Is it?" Klaus said. "Then, will you brave the elements? For me?" 

Five put his book down. "Fiiiine." 

_"Yes!"_ Klaus kissed Five on the forehead too quickly for Five to react. "I _love_ you!" 

"Yeah, yeah." Five grumpily wiped at his forehead. "Dress warmly." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben wanted to watch Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

"Goddammit, Ben," Five said. "We've talked about this." 

"But they added zombies," Ben said. 

"I'm with Five," Klaus said. "I love ya, Benny, but I can't handle another Jane Austen phase." 

Ben pouted. 

"There are tons of zombie movies," Five said. "Pick any one of them."

"Ooooh!" Klaus raised his hand and waved it in the air. "I vote for Shaun of the Dead!" 

"Noooo," Ben whined. "I hate that one." 

"This is hopeless," Five said. "We might as well pick three separate movies and watch them on our own." 

Klaus tutted. "Now you're just being negative." 

"Forget the zombies," Ben said. "Let's go with something else." 

Klaus smirked. "Pirates of the Caribbean?" 

Five wrinkled his nose. 

"Too soon," Ben said. 

"Aw, c'mon," Klaus said. "Jack Sparrow is practically celibate. He goes the whole movie without a love interest." 

Five turned to Ben. "Is he lying?" 

"No sir," Ben said. "It's true. Jack Sparrow is above romance." 

"He don't need no man," Klaus said. "Miss Swann on the other hand-" 

"There aren't any sex scenes," Ben quickly interrupted. "It's a child friendly movie." 

Five huffed. 

"The pirates are practically zombies," Klaus said. "They're cursed and undead." 

_That_ caught Five's interest. He was kind of obsessed with undead characters lately. 

"We'll watch it," Five said. "On one condition." 

"What's that?" Klaus said. 

"If there are any songs," Five said. "You're forbidden from singing along." 

"That's easy," Klaus said. "Right Ben?" 

"Very do-able," Ben agreed. "Very easy." 

"Glad we're in agreement," Five said. 

Later, Klaus broke his word. He just couldn't resist yo ho-ing along when the opportunity presented itself. 

Five rolled his eyes, but didn't even bother to commit violence.

 _He secretly loves me,_ Klaus thought. _We all know it's true._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


For Halloween, Ben and Vanya went to L.A. 

"It's a damn shame," Klaus said. "I'm the sexiest Jack Sparrow that ever did live." 

Allison pulled out her phone and pointed it at him. "Pose for me, darling. They'll witness your majesty."

Klaus happily did so, draping himself against the stairway bannister as if he'd had too much rum. 

"You're going to fall," Five said. 

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Klaus said. "Mourn me if I die.” 

“I’ll bury you with roses,” Allison said. 

Klaus grinned at her. “See? This is why you’re my favorite.” 

Allison grinned back, then showed him the photos she’d taken. 

“It’s too bad you didn’t bring a costume,” Klaus said. “Maybe we can still find you one?” 

“That’s okay,” Allison said. “I’ll just put on a black dress and call myself a witch.” 

“Doesn’t work without a hat,” Klaus said. “It’s gotta be a dramatically pointy hat.” 

“Can I stay home?” Five said. “This is a pointless holiday.” 

Klaus frowned sternly. “No. You cannot, sir.” 

“Did you buy a costume for Five?” Allison said. “Because if you did, I need to see it.” 

Five groaned. 

“I did,” Klaus said. “But this child is not cooperating.” 

“Can’t I just wear the Umbrella Academy uniform?” Five said. “I’ll tell anyone who sees me that I’m Number Five Hargreeves and they’ll think I’m kidding.” 

Klaus pursed his lips. “Hmm… that’s actually not a bad idea.” 

“And Diego can wear his usual black leather,” Allison said. “With the domino mask. He’ll look like an emo superhero.” 

“Oh, Diego’s not joining us,” Klaus said. “He’s too cool for Halloween.” 

“That so?” Allison said. “Or does he have plans with his girlfriend?” 

“No,” Five said. “He says Halloween is the most crime riddled night of the year.” 

“Of course,” Allison said. “What was I thinking?” 

“And in case you were wondering,” Klaus said. “Luther got roped into helping some theater kids build a haunted house.” 

Allison nonchalantly twirled a strand of hair around her finger, but Klaus saw right through her. 

“I wasn’t wondering,” Allison said. “But good to know.” 

“I thought the haunted house was finished?” Five said. “Why are they still bothering him?” 

“They asked him to participate,” Klaus said. “Like, he’s going to play one of the monsters.” 

“Wow,” Allison said. “I bet that’s… quite a sight.” 

Klaus waggled his eyebrows at her. “Should we check it out?” 

“Absolutely not,” Five said. 

“Absolutely yes,” Allison said. 

Five sighed. 

“Fiiiiive,” Klaus whined. “Don’t you love me?” 

“No.” 

“Yes, you do!” Klaus said. “You love me to bits.” 

“I don’t love you enough to put up with this,” Five said. “Just go with Allison.” 

Stealthily, Allison took a couple of little steps back and pointed her phone at them. 

_Sneaky sneaky,_ Klaus thought. _She’s totally filming this._

“But I love you so much,” Klaus said. “I’ll die without you.” 

“No, you won’t.”

“I will,” Klaus said. “I love you so much that, without you, I’ll collapse in on myself like a dying star.” 

Five squinted at him. 

“I’ll become a black hole,” Klaus continued. “And I’ll mindlessly destroy anything that comes near me.” 

“Don’t be dramatic,” Five said. “Jesus Christ. I’ll go with you.” 

“You’re the best brother a guy could ask for,” Klaus said. 

“You guys are too cute,” Allison said. “I love you both.” 

Five glared at her. “Are you taking pictures?” 

She winced and tried to hide her phone behind her back, but Five warped behind her and snatched it up. 

Five was scandalized by what he found there. “Allison!” 

“I love you!” she said, giggling. 

“I’m deleting this,” Five said. “How dare you.” 

“Yeah, how dare you,” Klaus said. “You’re better than this, Allison.” 

Allison stuck her tongue out at them. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Five was holed up in his room, sulking after crashing the family car into a tree. Luther and Vanya had done their best to lecture him, but those two were too soft. 

Klaus decided he had to dish out the discipline himself. 

"In a normal family," Klaus said, through Five’s door. "We would ground you, mister." 

"Fuck off!"

"But since _you_ love being a little hermit," Klaus continued. "I figure the opposite works, eh? For the rest of today you shall be given _no_ privacy." 

"Fuck. Off!" 

"I will not!" Klaus said. "I will fuck _on."_

It took around ten minutes from him to pick the lock. Diego would have been ashamed, but Klaus was rather proud of himself. 

As soon as the door was open, Five disappeared. 

Little did he know, Klaus was an expert at hide and seek. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Fuck off!" Five screamed. "Stop following me!" 

Five was absolutely furious by this turn of events, but Klaus was tickled pink. It was even easier to find Baby Five around the academy than it had been with Old Five. 

"Still got juice?" Klaus said. "Go on, try again. I bet I'll find you twice as fast." 

"I'm going to shove your head into a trash compactor!" 

“Now I _know_ you’re getting tired,” Klaus quipped. “You always resort to shoving heads into things when you’re running out of insults.” 

“I despise you,” Five growled. 

“And I love you,” Klaus said. “But, see, Uncle Klaus is trying to teach you a lesson.” 

“Don’t refer to yourself in the third person,” Five said. “It’s juvenile.” 

“Sure,” Klaus said. “I’ll accept your wisdom.” 

“You will?” 

“Yep,” Klaus said. “In exchange, how about you stop stealing Luther’s car keys?” 

“Fuck off.” 

Klaus tutted. “Then the game goes on.” 

Five groaned and tried to teleport, but the blue light only sparked for a second, then fizzled out. 

“Aha!” Klaus said. “You’re finished.” 

“I’m going to kill you,” Five said. 

“And I am going to hug you,” Klaus said. 

“Don’t you dare!” 

Klaus charged at him and Five ran for it, full pedal to the metal. 

The little guy was as nimble as a tree frog, but Klaus eventually caught him and pinned him to the ground. 

It was kind of nostalgic, in a lot of ways. Like the sparring matches Dad would make them get into as kids. 

“No, no, no,” Five said. “Let me go. Let me go, I say!” 

“Shhh.” Klaus tried to shift them into a more comfortable position, but Five nearly wiggled out of the grip. Klaus had to put his weight back on him. “C’mon, isn’t this a tame punishment?” 

_“No,”_ Five said. “I’m dying. I’m dying!” 

“Why are you dying?” 

Klaus moved so that he was sort of caging Five without suffocating him. He looked down to make sure the kid was okay and saw that Five was covering his face with his hands. 

“Five?” 

“He caught me,” Five mumbled. 

“Yes, I did,” Klaus said. 

“No,” Five said. _“Dad_ caught me. He caught me again!” 

Klaus sprang back to give Five space. 

“I am so sorry,” Klaus said. “I didn’t mean to trigger a memory.”

Five sat up and hugged his knees to his chest. He had his eyes squeezed tightly shut. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Klaus said. 

Five shook his head. 

“Was it one of those training sessions?” Klaus said. “I had some rough training too. Dad would lock me up in the mausoleum for hours.” 

Five put his forehead against his knees. 

“Okay,” Klaus said. “So we’re not talking about it. That’s fair. Um, do you want ice cream?” 

“Fuck off,” Five muttered. 

“I’m not leaving you alone like this,” Klaus said. “How about some music? Classical music? Violin?” 

Five took a deep shuddering breath. 

“Violin,” Klaus said, decidedly. “Vanya sent me a recording of her new concert. You want to hear it?” 

“Yes,” Five said. 

“Great,” Klaus said. “You just sit tight. I’ll keep my mouth shut, yeah? Starting... now.” 

Klaus set up the song and put his phone down near Five, then scooted further back. 

For a while, Five remained frozen in his little crouched position. 

But, eventually, Five uncurled and crawled towards Klaus. 

Klaus held his breath and kept still as Five knelt _behind_ him. 

“Don’t hug me,” Five whispered. “I’m hugging _you.”_

“Yessir,” Klaus said. “You’re very generous.” 

“Shut up,” Five said. “You’re not allowed to talk.” 

Klaus nodded. 

Then Five pressed his chest up against Klaus’s back and tightly curled his arms around. 

And they just sat like that, listening to Vanya’s gentle violin.


	2. Best we can do

_ Sometimes you just want the comfort of knowing that somebody really does care about you (even if they show it in peculiar ways.) _

_ ― Cara Lockwood _

  
  


_ Be cordial,  _ Five told himself.  _ Be direct, but do not be demanding. This is a humble request. _

Klaus was naturally nocturnal, so Five bid his time. Then, when his brother was finally awake, Five followed him into the kitchen and casually put together a sandwich while Klaus made himself 'breakfast.' 

"Hey there," Klaus said. "Last night was quite the rollercoaster, huh?" 

_ Whose fault is that?  _ Five thought.  _ Fucking tattle tale.  _

If Klaus hadn't caught them burying the briefcase, none of this drama would be happening. 

But Five kept his expression carefully blank and shrugged. 

"You're looking kind of rough," Klaus said. "Did you sleep at all?" 

"Sure," Five said. "Listen, can you do me a favor?" 

Klaus frowned. "Well, that depends?" 

"It's not a rule breaker," Five said. "It's a perfectly reasonable request." 

"This I gotta hear." Klaus lathered his toast in an excessive amount of butter and grinned in that manic way he sometimes did. It was all teeth and no joy. 

"Uh… are you okay?" 

"Ah, ah, ah," Klaus said. "Don't you get sidetracked." 

"But-" 

"I'm dying with curiosity," Klaus said. "What could our little Number Five possibly need from me?" 

Five sighed. 

Klaus directed his attention towards an empty corner of the kitchen. 

"What say you, Corvoy? Any theories?" 

"Wait a minute," Five said. "Did you ask your dead meth head to spy on me?"

"Yes, I did," Klaus said. "Because you've been naughty, mister." 

Five scowled. 

"So Corvoy thinks you want to make another break for it," Klaus said. "I'll say this now: I have no interest in aiding and abetting. I'm not like Diego." 

Five took a deep breath and relaxed his face. 

"I wasn't making a break for it," Five said. "We were trying to fix-" 

"Nope," Klaus said. "No, non, nein." 

"No?" 

"I will not tolerate excuses this morning," Klaus said. 

"It's almost 6 p.m," Five said. 

"I will not tolerate excuses this evening," Klaus said. "And if you're trying to chew me out for being a rat, go right ahead. I won't apologize." 

"I won't chew you out," Five said. "And, um, I'm sorry?" 

"Are you?" 

"Yes," Five said. "I have… regrets." 

"Uh huh," Klaus said. "Mistakes were made." 

"Yes?" 

"Right," Klaus said. "Sure." 

"Are you like Ben?" 

"In what way?"

"Do you have abandonment issues?" Five said. "Do you, uh, do you need me to… um, what should I do?" 

Up to this point they'd both been ignoring their food, but Klaus finally took a large bite out of his toast and carefully chewed. 

Five followed suit, taking a bite out of his sandwich. 

They ate in awkward silence for a few minutes. 

Then Klaus finally said, "Tell me the favor." 

"Nevermind," Five said. "I see now that you're not in a state to handle it." 

Klaus slammed his fist against the table. Cutlery and dishes clattered and Five froze, holding his breath. 

Klaus chuckled, but it wasn't a happy sound. 

"Tell me. The favor," Klaus said. 

"Okay," Five said. "It's about Vanya." 

"What about her?" 

"I'm concerned," Five said. "You know how she is." 

"Hmm," Klaus said. "You think she's going to explode?" 

"No," Five said. "The opposite." 

"The opposite?" 

"She's always so worried about staying in control," Five said. "Didn’t you see her last night? She was practically catatonic. She was just sitting there." 

“I did notice that,” Klaus said. "It  _ is  _ concerning."

"So will you check on her?" Five said. "I feel like I should stay away for a while because… I might trigger her?" 

"Wow," Klaus said. "You know it's serious when Five embraces therapy words." 

"Are you talking to me or to Corvoy?" 

"Both of you," Klaus said. 

"Right," Five said. 

Klaus nodded tightly. 

“Hmm,” Klaus said. “True, it’s bad to bottle things up.” 

"So you’ll go see her?" Five said. "Maybe she can help you too." 

Klaus took a mechanical bite out of his toast and nearly bit into his own hand. 

"Klaus?" 

"Hmm?" 

"You're not okay?" 

"I am not okay," Klaus said. "But I will be." 

"Oh," Five said. "I see." 

"I'll call Vanya," Klaus said. "Maybe even spend the night at her place. If she's down for that." 

"Thank you." 

"Your welcome," Klaus said. "And Five?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Don't ever pull a stupid stunt like that again," Klaus said. "You damn near gave me a heart attack."

"Understood." 

Klaus grinned. "And Corvoy says you're a dick." 

"He's not wrong," Five said. 

"Mhm," Klaus said. "He also said you did  _ not  _ sleep last night." 

Five frowned. "Wait, did he tell you about…" 

"Hmm?" Klaus said. "About what?" 

_ About me and Ben sharing a bed,  _ Five thought.  _ Or is this a trick to get the secret out of me?  _

"Nothing," Five said. "Um, I'm going to take a nap." 

"Good," Klaus said. "You go do that." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A week later, Klaus revealed his hand. 

"I want in," Klaus said. "Bromantic sleepovers for three. Say yes or risk exposure." 

Ben was scandalized. "Emotional blackmail!" 

"Nope," Klaus said. "This is regular blackmail." 

"One night a week," Five said. "Whatever day you want." 

_ "Four  _ nights a week," Klaus said. "Cause I'm Number Four, see? It's poetic." 

"Two nights a week," Five said. "But you can have more on special occasions." 

Ben huffed. 

"What special occasions?" Klaus said. 

"To be decided," Five said. 

"Nuh uh," Klaus said. "That leaves too much wriggle room." 

"Don't I get a say in this?" Ben said. 

Five shrugged. 

"Holidays are special occasions," Klaus said. "But so is trauma inflicted upon my psyche." 

"What trauma?" 

"Abandonment issues," Klaus said. 

Five sighed. 

"But I'll accept two nights a week," Klaus said. "Do we have a deal?" 

"This isn't fair," Ben said. 

"It  _ is  _ fair," Klaus said. "But you have the right to abstain from sleepovers whenever you want."

"Hell no!" Ben said. 

"We have a deal," Five said. "Right, Ben?" 

Ben pouted. 

_ "Right Ben?"  _

"Fiiiine." 

"Fuck yeah," Klaus said. "Meet me in my room tonight." 

"What time?" Five said. 

"Maybe 11:30?" Klaus scratched his chin. "That feels so early, but I know Ben is an early riser so… that work?"

"That work, Ben?" 

"Midnight," Ben said. 

"Midnight?" Klaus echoed. 

_ Hmm,  _ Five thought.  _ I'm still going to be expected at 10. He wants a two hour monopoly?  _

"Midnight," Ben repeated. 

"Alright," Klaus said. "Works for me." 

Five nodded. "We're in agreement." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was a tight fit, but they managed. Ben ended up in the middle and they formed something of a horizontal conga line. Five was at the front with Ben latched onto his back and Klaus hugging Ben from the other side. 

It was awkward, but Five decided this was a tame punishment. It was more than reasonable. 

A week later, Klaus called dibs on the middle spot, but Ben wouldn’t allow it. Finally, Five ended up in the middle with both brothers half on top of him. 

_ They’re so childish,  _ Five thought.  _ But I guess that’s allowed.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was a strange turn of events.

Ben said the family meetings had become something of a civil war with Luther, Mom, and Klaus defending Catherine while Diego and Vanya argued for some type of expulsion. 

While they debated the issue, Five remained at Diego’s apartment. He didn’t want to take part in any of the meetings on principle.

It’s not like anyone was listening to  _ him, _ so to participate would have been an exercise in futility. 

“I feel the same way,” Ben said. “But they keep trying to say I would be a tie breaker. Klaus really wants me to side with Catherine so they can end the fighting.” 

“They already have a majority,” Five said. “No one’s on Diego and Vanya’s side.” 

“Actually… Allison is."

“What?” Five said. “She hasn’t even met Catherine.” 

“I think Vanya talked her into it,” Ben said. “Allison is trying to get along with her, so…” 

"Goddammit." 

“But Old Five is on team Catherine,” Ben said. “Because he’s her creator, so… yeah.” 

“Then they  _ do  _ have a majority,” Five said. 

“Diego says Luther and Old Five are biased,” Ben said. “So he doesn’t want to count their votes.” 

“He can’t just dictate which votes count and which ones don’t?” 

“I agree,” Ben said. “But now they’re voting on whether or not he can.” 

Five groaned. 

“I feel really bad for Mom,” Ben said. “But I also feel really bad for Diego. So I haven’t voted on anything. I told them I’m abstaining.” 

“I don’t get it,” Five said. “What’s so wrong with her? Why is Diego afraid of her?” 

“Vanya thinks it’s a trauma response,” Ben said. “She says Catherine is modeled after Dad.”

_ “What?”  _

“It’s just a theory,” Ben said. “Personally, I don’t think it fits.” 

“What about Klaus?” 

Ben raised an eyebrow. “What about him?” 

“He’s the least biased person in the pro-Catherine camp,” Five said. “What does  _ he _ think about Diego’s phobia?” 

“Oh,” Ben said. “I haven’t asked him?” 

Five frowned. 

“Sorry,” Ben said. “I haven’t really had the chance to say much or ask anything. It’s just everyone yelling at each other and trying to get me to agree with them.”

“That’s why I hate family meetings,” Five said. “They’re unproductive.” 

“We need a better system,” Ben agreed.

In pure frustration, Five slumped down into Diego’s couch, squeezing himself between the backrest and the cushions. “I need a nap.” 

“Me too,” Ben said. “Can we listen to music?” 

“Sure.”

They had Diego’s apartment to themselves for the time being, but pretty soon Ben had to leave for one of his college classes. 

Then Five was alone. 

He decided to call Klaus. The phone rang for all of two seconds, and then Klaus picked up.

“Baby Five!” Klaus said. “I’ve missed you, my littlest cutest brother!” 

“I hate it when you call me Baby Five,” Five said. 

“My, my,” Klaus said. “I’ve spent so long without you that I forgot entirely.” 

“This is no time for jokes,” Five said. “I have questions.” 

“Happy to be of service,” Klaus said. 

“So I heard Vanya thinks Catherine is modeled after Dad,” Five said. “Do you think that’s in any way accurate?” 

“Absolutely not,” Klaus said. “She’s a little uptight, but not like Dad. Also, she’s way too sexy.” 

“Be serious,” Five said. 

“Okay, so here’s how it is,” Klaus said. “Catherine is a baby robot. Diego thought she would be like Mom right out the gate, but he forgot how long it took for Mom to learn how to be flexible.” 

“Go on.” 

“Another thing Diego doesn’t get,” Klaus said. “is that, even before she grew into her own person, Mom was designed to do all the parent stuff Dad didn’t want to deal with. Cuddles and smiles and sweet nothings whispered before bedtime.” 

“Right,” Five said. “She had a rotation of sweet phrases. But she was basically telling us the same stuff Dad would tell us."

“Really?” Klaus said. “How do you figure?"

“For example,” Five said. “If you tried to argue with Dad he would immediately shut you down." 

“Yeah?" 

“Meanwhile,” Five said. “Mom would go back and forth with you for longer. She had more patience, but it wasn’t really patience. She was programmed to wait for the keyword ‘but’ so that she could say-”

“No buts!” Klaus said. “Holy moly.” 

“It was all programming,” Five said. “But later on she… she learned more.” 

“Exactly,” Klaus said. “So Catherine is all programming too, but it’s cause she’s still a baby. We’ve gotta raise her up.” 

“And Catherine wasn’t programmed to be a mom,” Five said. “Ben says she’s a bodyguard.” 

“I guess Old Five is still paranoid,” Klaus said. “But don’t you worry. I’ll teach Catherine how to be zen.” 

“Does Diego think she’ll misunderstand her objective?” Five said. “Does he think-”

“It’s hard to get a read on exactly what he’s thinking,” Klaus said. “But it’s an irrational kind of hostility. He needs to cool his jets and-”

“But Vanya took his side,” Five said. “Why?” 

“That’s… complicated,” Klaus said. “She has a theory, but it’s kind of nonsensical.” 

“The theory that Catherine is based on Dad?” 

“No,” Klaus said. “That’s Diego’s theory.” 

“I thought it was  _ Vanya  _ that-”

“Vanya is the one who voiced it,” Klaus said. “But it’s Vanya’s theory about what Diego is thinking.” 

“Then what is Vanya thinking?” 

“I can’t tell you,” Klaus said. 

“What?” 

“It’s just one of those things,” Klaus said. “We agreed not to discuss it with you or with Old Five.” 

“That’s horseshit,” Five said. 

“I agree,” Klaus said. “But I’ve been outvoted.” 

“So what?” Five said. “Since when do you care? You love to share secrets.” 

“You’re absolutely right,” Klaus said. “But sometimes even  _ I  _ know where to draw the line.”

“Then why did you tell me there’s a secret in the first place?” Five said. “Why would you dangle that carrot in front of my face and then-”

“Because I am very stupid?” Klaus said. “Because I am weak?” 

“Fuck you,” Five said. 

“Or maybe I think you deserve to know,” Klaus said. “But you need to discuss it with Vanya. It’s her theory. She’s the one driving herself crazy over it.” 

“It’s not even about me, is it?” Five said. “It’s about Old Five.” 

“Correct,” Klaus said. 

“Then why am I being kept out of the loop?” Five said. “It’s not like  _ I’m  _ going to tell him.” 

“I’ll say this much,” Klaus said. “It’s about childhood trauma. So, technically, it’s about both of you.” 

“Fuck off.” 

“You have the same trauma,” Klaus said. 

“No, we don’t!” Five said. “That wacko was-”

“It’s not about the Apocalypse,” Klaus said. “Or… it sort of is, but it mostly isn’t.” 

“Just  _ tell  _ me.” 

“I really can’t,” Klaus said. “It’s murdering me, but I can’t do it.” 

“Then you’re useless,” Five said. 

“I can live with that,” Klaus said. “Because I value myself and do not have to measure my worth based on my usefulness to others.” 

“I’m tired of psychobabble like that,” Five said. “Why can’t you people talk normally?” 

“Oh boy,” Klaus said. “You isolating yourself too?"

“Excuse me?” 

“Probably too early for that lil lecture,” Klaus said. “Anyway, me and my people love your people, so-"

“I’m hanging up,” Five said. 

“Kay bye,” Klaus said. "Love ya lots!” 

Five bit his lip. 

“You don’t have to say it back,” Klaus said. “I will happily yearn for you one-sidedly.” 

“I love you too, moron,” Five said. 

“Aaaaaw,” Klaus said. “I love you  _ more.”  _

“I’m seriously going to hang up,” Five said. 

“I wish I could hug you,” Klaus said. “Should I go over there? Are you lonely?” 

Five didn’t dignify that with a response. He hung up.

Immediately, Klaus sent a text with an animated character running so quickly its legs were a circular blur of motion. 

Five replied with:  _ Bring ice cream, at least _ .

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He should have realized Klaus wouldn't be alone. The idiot couldn't drive.

At least Luther wasn't hunching in on himself anymore. He stood up straight backed, with his chin up, and proudly held up a large grocery bag. 

"We also bought cookies," Luther said. "And chips, and pudding, and those lunchable packs you like." 

Klaus, meanwhile, was toting an armful of DVDs. 

"Your choice today, sire," Klaus said. "We live to serve and serve to live." 

Five pursued his lips.

"Show him the documentaries," Luther said. "Personally, my favorite is The Farthest Voyager, but there are a lot of options." 

With mock indignation, Five said, "You've been watching documentaries without me?" 

Luther grinned. "No?" 

"How dare you," Five said. "You're a terrible liar." 

Luther laughed. "You caught me." 

"Ugh," Klaus said. "This is going to be a nerd marathon, isn't it?" 

"Yup," Five said. "And you're stranded." 

Klaus blinked. "I'm stranded?" 

"You've only got two modes of transportation," Luther said. "And we're two bears settling in to hibernate." 

Klaus pouted. "I could take the bus?" 

"You hate the bus," Five said. 

"Everyone hates the bus," Klaus said. "Hmm, but I guess I can stay anyway. Out of the kindness of my heart." 

Five smirked. "Generous."

"In exchange," Klaus said. "I want cuddles." 

Decisively, Five teleported onto the couch so that he was perched on top of the backrest. He pointed to the seat in front of and below him. 

"Sit," Five said. 

Klaus happily did so, allowing Five to drape his legs over Klaus's shoulders. 

Five patted him on the head. "Good boy." 

Klaus preened at the praise.

"Wow," Luther said. "I'm not going to question it." 

"It's innocently platonic," Klaus said.

"So I've already seen a bit of The Farthest Voyager," Five said. "But I only caught the last twenty minutes." 

"Great," Luther said. "We'll start with that one." 

Five nodded. 

Then they settled in for what Five supposed was something of a pity party. 

_ Do we deserve pity?  _ Five wondered.  _ Are we hopeless? _

Because they couldn't solve the Apocalypse Glitch, or the discord over Catherine, or the Hargreeves abandonment issues, or anything that mattered. 

But maybe it was better not to care. 

Grinding teeth and running in circles, yelling themselves hoarse or throwing blame around... none of these things solved the problem. 

Nor did throwing a pity party, but at least Luther and Klaus were smiling this way. 

_ This is the best we can do,  _ Five thought.  _ I'll have to accept it.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that Catherine deserves her own fic and so does Grace. 
> 
> But first! 
> 
> We shall return to Old Five :D


End file.
